She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Found the puke drawer
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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