I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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