k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
