So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
