Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
