she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
