May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Need sex. Gaining weight.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
