i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
