Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
