Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
