I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Randomize
