Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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