I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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