i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
