So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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