dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
