she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
