New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
