apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
