sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
