grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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