Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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