i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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