If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
