Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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