made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I can't put those talents on a resume
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
