Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
