My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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