were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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