I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
