I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
