I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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