Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
