Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
