he puts the penis in happiness.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
