bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
