ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
