I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
