You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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