There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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