Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
