My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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