I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
