Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
