I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
