no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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