My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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