how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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