Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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