ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
