a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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