Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
