So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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