Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
