Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Come on in and take your pants off
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